Our girl's heritage

We have spent much time, particularly on long car trips or on evening walks, dreaming about ways to give our girl a special connection to her heritage. For us, this meant learning and teaching her about the customs and traditions of her home city, purchasing several small gifts when we pick her up in Asia so we can give her something from her culture each year on her birthday and for her wedding, and other things to give her a connection to her country. That was as far as we’d taken it until I picked up “Adopted for Life” from the library. Then the word heritage took on an entirely new meaning.

In the book, which is a great, but intense read (I need to just buy a copy b/c I’ll be forever renewing it otherwise!), author Russell Moore discusses the heritage he and his wife passed on to their two adopted boys. It had nothing to do with their country of origin, but rather, the family’s history. So, while we still plan to teach our girl about her country of origin, we will also tell her about her Great Grandpa Dick, who served in the navy in WWII and loved to patiently tend his garden and teach mommy how to shell peas when she was a little girl. She’ll hear about and meet Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Chris, who welcome us to their cozy Iowa home with delicious meals and the occasional snow shovel to free our snow-bound car on our cross-country trips to and from North Dakota. She’ll learn why Mommy draws stick people (they run in the family) and how Daddy bought and fixed up his first car with the help of uncle Rich. She’ll laugh when we tell her about the button that “fell in” Uncle David’s nose when he was about her age and she’ll have reason to be proud of her many relatives who have fought for our country’s freedom through the generations. Our daughter will not be a welcome stranger in our family – she will share our past and our future. How like us as children of Christ, who are sons and daughters sharing in the family inheritance.

In other news, our girl’s big brother Jackson is doing well and has just started kicking with more fervor, which we both love. We have just been referred to a local pediatrician who specializes in internationally adopted children. Several friends have also made recommendations. It can often be hard to determine what vaccines a child has been given and in some instances how old they are (country of origin estimates can be flawed), so we need to be sure our pediatrician has experience with the issues and questions that often arise. We figure it will be easier to think ahead and have the same pediatrician for all of our kids, so we’ll be making our final decision by early October. Recommendations are welcome!

Although this process is a long one, it’s been a joy to learn, prepare and pray about it. One of the best gifts we’ve received through this process is the continued support from so many dear friends who have given generously through prayers and financial contributions.
Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us. Although we don’t post as regularly as our intentions would like, our girl is never far from our hearts. The encouragement of friends and family means so much and we thank you.

Adopting interracially

As part of the adoption process, we’ve been asked so many questions – by adoption staff and by friends and family. It’s funny what comes up in those discussions. One of the things our case worker asked us was about our preparation to adopt interracially. Initially, we didn’t really give much thought to possible issues that may come up, but over the past 10 months, we’ve certainly learned a lot. Among them: she’ll have some different skin/hair care needs than we do, we should always carry a family photo just in case, and we or she may encounter intentional or unintentional rude comments from people. The need for a family photo isn’t one we’d thought about, but in one of our training seminars, the white mom of a boy adopted from Africa said her husband was challenged by a grocery store clerk when their energetic son ran through the store aisle and threw a fit when his dad tried to catch him. For his safety, the clerk wouldn’t release the boy until his mom drove to the store with a family photo to prove he was their son. So, we will each be carrying a family photo!

When asked how we’d handle rude comments in front of our daughter from strangers, Richie told Maelanie (our case worker) that I have quite a protective instinct and might be tempted to “go off” on someone if I felt they were overstepping. He’s right. My first instinct is to flare up into mother bear mode if a loved one of mine is attacked – verbally or otherwise. Richie tends to be very protective, but much calmer than I am. He would likely ignore a rude comment or address it in a mild manner. We complement each other well in that way. Interestingly enough, when we told Maelanie how each of us might react, she said that, while an angry reaction isn’t the best way to handle the situation in front of our girl, the worst thing to do is not to address it at all. Lack of a reaction will signal to her that we don’t care enough to speak up on her behalf.

We’ve discussed our natural reactions and how we will need to be prepared to react not in anger, but calmly. Depending on the comment, we’ve decided to respond by politely informing the person that our daughter is just that – our daughter – and that our family wouldn’t be complete without her.

We’re so thankful for all our friends and family, and know that each of you have your own stories. Since our process began, many of you have shared with us your connections to adoption, and for that, we’re so grateful. Each story just continues to affirm our decision. So many of you have been so generous in your contributions to our adoption, and we just want to thank you. Your prayers and financial support are so encouraging and I just can’t describe what a significant part of this journey you all are.

The adventure begins

As many of you know, we began the process to adopt a little girl from Asia about 10 months ago. We decided to adopt even before trying to have kids, as we’ve both felt from the start of our marriage that part of God’s plan for our family includes adoption. Right now, we’re in the thick of our second round of paperwork (the dossier), our home visit, and our series of “interviews” to be sure we’re fit to adopt. We’ve learned a lot through this process so far and are more excited than ever to welcome our little girl in 2014. Unfortunately, the estimated time span for this process has grown by a year even since we began. The good news is that she will have a big brother to look out for her when we bring her home!

We’ve learned it’s possible that her adjustment to life in our home will be a difficult one for all of us, since her life in the orphanage likely isn’t what we’d choose for her. Books like Silent Tears, and The Connected Child, have helped us understand what she will experience and ways to smooth the transition. Our girl will be between 14-22 months when we get her and she’ll not have had much physical contact apart from occasional, rough bathing in “assembly line” style. This means she’s likely to develop a self-soothing habit such as rocking herself or another repetitive motion. For us, this means she won’t seek us out for comfort, since her former caregivers paid no attention to cries and pleas or even punished her for them. When she does self-soothe, we will need to sit with her and participate in the soothing (like taking her in our arms and rocking with her) so she learns to associate us with comfort.

So, we're asking for your help. We need our friends and family to commit to pray for us and our little girl, who probably isn’t even born yet, throughout this long process. It’s heartbreaking to hear of the treatment in some facilities and though we can’t rescue them all, we can give a loving home to one little girl. After we complete this next round about a month from now, we will basically just wait 18 months for our next review where we meet to update our paperwork (which we’ve been told we’ll likely need to do 3 times before we are matched with our girl). As a part of the dossier, we also need to pay $12,000 of the adoption fee before it can be sent to Asia. We’ve saved a good portion of the money already, but are working to find creative ways to raise the final dollars we need for this round. We ask that you prayerfully consider our family in your giving. Checks can be made payable to our agency, Bethany Christian Services, with “Dorman family” in the subject line.

Bethany Christian Services
Attn: Maelanie Schweitzer
4008 Barrett Dr. #206
Raleigh, NC 27609

We are excited about what God is going to do and has already done in our lives through our little girl. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support.

Love,
Richie and Kim